How Lost cured my fear of death.

I was always afraid of death.  Really afraid.  So afraid that I once had a counselor pray over me against a “spirit of death”, as he called it.  I was fearful that none of my dreams would come true because I was going to die before they did.  Weird.    It was another way in which Satan tried to rob me of my joy.

Despite the success of that prayer in overcoming my belief that I would die before my dreams came true, I must confess that my fear of death in general remained as strong as ever.  I can’t tell you what I was afraid of exactly; because I believed heaven was going to be pretty cool (understatement).  I just know that every time I heard that someone had died – anyone - that feeling of terror gripped me again.

Intellectually I know that the moment of death is probably painless, even if the leading up to it is awful.  So it wasn’t the actual death that terrified me.  And I am not sure that the anticipation of imminent death was the root of my terror either.  My dad died 2 years ago of liver cancer.  He knew he was going to die for several months, but I never saw him afraid.  I wonder what went through his mind knowing he was going to die.  That must have been really scary.  How did he handle the fear?  I didn’t discuss it with my dad.  I wish I would have.

Some time ago, I am not sure when, I began to ask God to help me with my fear.  I know He doesn’t want me to live in fear.  He offers such great perspective and hope in Hebrews 2:14-15:

“Because God’s children are human beings—made of flesh and blood—the Son also became flesh and blood. For only as a human being could he die, and only by dying could he break the power of the devil, who had the power of death.  Only in this way could he set free all who have lived their lives as slaves to the fear of dying.”

Yes I was a slave to the fear of dying alright - powerless to stop this terror that gripped me.  God began to work on this fear in an unusual way, but in a way that I have come to expect from Him.  I have come to expect the unexpected the more I seek God.  He speaks to me through things that uniquely touch my heart - the heart He put in me.  He speaks to me in a way that I am prepared to hear.  He can speak to you that way too.  After all, God even spoke through a jackass.  (See the account of Balaam in Numbers 22.)

At numerous times over the last few years God used Hollywood to begin to cure me of my fear.  Do you remember this scene from The Green Mile?

ARLEN BITTERBUCK:

You think if a man sincerely

repents on what he done wrong, he

might get to go back to the time

that was happiest for him and live

there forever? Could that be what

heaven is like?

PAUL EDGECOMB:

I just about believe that very thing.

Pause. Bitterbuck smiles.

ARLEN BITTERBUCK

Had me a young wife when I was

eighteen. Spent our first summer

in the mountains. Made love every

night. She'd just lie there after,

bare-breasted in the firelight,

and we'd talk sometimes till the

sun come up.

That was my best time.

Or how about the final scene of Titanic?

The wreck of the Titanic looms like a ghost out of the dark. It is lit by a kind of moonlight, a light of the mind. We pass over the endless forecastle deck to the superstructure, moving faster than subs can move... almost like we are flying.

We go inside, and the echoing sound of distant waltz music is heard. The rust fades away from the walls of the dark corridor and it is transformed... 

We emerge onto the grand staircase, lit by glowing chandelier. The music is vibrant now, and the room is populated by men in tie and tails, women in gowns. It is exquisitely beautiful.

We sweep down the staircase. The crowd of beautiful gentlemen and ladies turn as we descend toward them. At the bottom a man stands with his back to us... he turns and it is Jack. Smiling he holds his hand out toward us.

Rose goes into his arms, a girl of 17. The passengers, officers and crew of the RMS Titanic smile and applaud.

Now there’s something.  Could heaven be like that?  I was beginning to see my problem.  My problem seemed to be my perspective on heaven.  

I have never really known what heaven is going to be like.  I cannot remember any pastor teaching about it.  If they did, it was utterly uninspiring.  It was probably described as some sort of eternal church service in the sky.  As John Eldredge says, “That sounds like Hell to me.”   You got that right, John.

In April I tore my Achilles tendon in a fall on a ladder.  I could not work, or do much of anything else for a couple of months.  I was forced to lie on my back with my leg elevated every day.  Piles of movies from friends made their way to my apartment.  Action movies, romantic comedies, thrillers – I watched them all.  Then Nicki brought me the first season of Lost.  I dismissed it in my mind immediately.

I pretty much hate TV shows.  I think they are such a waste of my time.  I watch some sports and that’s about it.  But after I had gone through all my other movies, I decided to put in Lost.  I watched the pilot and I am ashamed to say that I was hooked.    Later that day Nicki called me on her lunch break from work.  

“What have you been doing today?” she said. 

 “Watching movies” I said reluctantly.  

She asks a lot of questions, so I knew what was coming next.  “What have you watched so far today?”

“Um…Mr. and Mrs. Smith, Under the Tuscan Sun (I am embarrassed about that one), and I started Lost.”  

“Yay!  What did you think?” she said.

“I’m hooked.”

And I was.  For the next several weeks I watched full seasons in 15 hour sessions.  I would stay up until 3 AM to finish a season.  Nicki only owned the first 3 seasons, so I had to get them from the public library.  Sometimes I had to wait in frustration for someone to return the next DVD.  I was addicted.  I got my children hooked too.  We laugh every time we see one of the actors in another show or movie.  “Dad!  There’s Daniel Farraday in Twister” was the most recent one.

In May I was at a festival at my boys’ school and I ran into one of their friend’s parents.  They were surprised to see that I was injured.  They asked how I was spending my time and I told them I was watching Lost.  They told me they heard the last episode was disappointing.  I was ticked to get that opinion.  There’s no way…

Then came Sunday, June 5.  With sadness and anticipation I watched the final episode before going to church that morning, trying to shake the impulse to expect disappointment.  

I was not disappointed.  I cried during most of the final episode.  God was at it again, healing something in me that needed deep healing, giving me joy.

About 10:30 AM as I was standing at the sink washing dishes, I got a text message from Nicki:

Her: “Did you finish Lost?” 

Me: “Yes.”

Her:  “What did you think?”

Me:  “Brilliant.  The Kingdom Restored.”

She called me immediately.  “Really?” she said.  

“Yes!” I exclaimed.  “I am no longer afraid of death.”

“Really?” she said.  “Why?”

I spent the next few minutes explaining how the supposed “flash sideways” was actually (in my interpretation) the time of final preparation for heaven.  The heartache and heartbreak of their lives on the island and their lives on earth was now over, with the reality of promises ready to be fulfilled.  Relationships lost through death were restored, unfulfilled dreams were fulfilled, and broken bodies were healed – for eternity.  No wonder everyone was so happy.  Watch the final episode again (or the whole series if you haven’t seen it) and see if you don’t come to the same conclusion.

Rick Warren, the author of The Purpose Driven Life , was asked by Larry King what he thought the purpose of life was.  “That’s easy - preparation for eternity.”  We literally and figuratively ache for eternity.   The writers of Lost certainly understood that.  

Switchfoot just released a new album, Vice Verses.  Let me share the lyrics to the final song entitled “Where I Belong.”  They seem particularly fitting.

Feeling like a refugee 
Like it don't belong to me 
The colors flash across the sky 

This air feels strange to me 
Feeling like a tragedy 
Take a deep breath and close my eyes 
One last time 

Storms on the wasteland 
Dark clouds on the plain again 
We were born into this fight 

But I'm not sentimental 
This skin and bones is a rental 
And no one makes it out alive 

Until I die I'll sing these songs 
On the shores of Babylon 
Still looking for a home 
In a world where I belong 

Where the weak are finally strong 
Where the righteous right the wrongs 
Still looking for a home 
In a world where I belong 

Feels like we're just waiting, waiting 
While are hearts are just breaking, breaking 
Feels like we're fighting against the tide 
 
I wanna see the earth shaking 
I wanna see a generation 
Finally waking up inside 

Until I die I'll sing these songs 

On the shores of Babylon
Still looking for a home 
In a world where I belong 

This body's not my own 
This world is not my own 
But I can hear the sound 
Of my heart beating out 
So let's go boys, play it loud! 

On the final day I die 
I want to hold my head up high 
I want to tell You that I tried 
To live it like a song 

And when I reach the other side 
I want to look You in the eye 
And know that I've arrived 
In a world where I belong 

Where I belong 

I still believe we can live forever 
You and I we begin forever now 
Forever now 
Forever 
I still believe in us together 
You and I we're here together now 
Together now 
Together now 
Forever now 
Forever now

My fear of death is gone.  God used a TV show to do it.  Now that’s unexpected and brilliant.  Just like heaven.  Just like God.  

I can’t wait.